Sometimes I get scared

I’ve had trouble sleeping in the past, either because of life or a medication I used to be on that caused insomnia. I’m off the medication, so it must be life that’s causing me to lie awake nights lately. What could it be? Work? No. School? No. Love? No. Money? No. Oh yeah, I’m going to be a father! Holy crap!

I’m reminded of it every time my wife dry heaves. I’m reminded of it every time some lady uses her stroller as a defense mechanism. I’m reminded every time I see someone who is more pregnant than my wife. This is our first child, and I’m freaking out. I haven’t admitted to anyone close to me, so I figure I will now admit it to the whole world. Luckily no one knows me out here. At least, nobody who I haven’t told them it was me.

Anyway, one of the things that freaks me out is what do I do if I have a girl? It’s an honest question? Girls have always been a mystery to me, so I’m afraid to see so many more girls being born these days. I suppose it won’t make much difference in the early years, except we’ll be having princess-themed birthday parties instead of Tonka-themed ones (unless Mattel comes out with Tonka Barbie, which isn’t too likely).

My next fear, and my wife shares this one too, is what happens if, well, everything’s not all right? It’s not a thought most expecting parents care to consider, but what if our bundle of joy comes with a malady that requires constant attention? It’s not an issue of love or ability to provide. It’s just a fear that we, as a family, will have an added worry. So, I pray our baby is healthy.

I hear people tell me that I will be a great dad. Thanks. No pressure or anything. I know they’re being supportive, but what if I’m not a great dad? What if I end up being a jerk?

These are just some of the things I think about while my wife sleeps. I’m sure it’s normal. But it’s no less scary.

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